Friday, 1 April 2016

Nappy Napalm

"You're in for a big surprise this morning, mummy", said her father with a twinkle in his eye as I entered the bedroom bearing coffee.

"I was going to change her myself but then I realised it was everywhere and I am going to be late for work," he added.

My daughter lay on her changing mat gurgling happily and kicking her legs, one of which had a sticky yellow substance oozing down it.

The explosion was slowly spreading across the back of her white nightie and there were spatters on the delicate wool blanket she had been wrapped up in, a family heirloom.

She looked extremely pleased with herself.

Now, I know unpleasant bodily fluids are a fact of bringing up baby, and I am not averse to getting my hands dirty.

Yesterday morning's nuclear nappy was not really such a disaster. It was quite convenient actually, as I just shoved it all in the washing machine and got her clean and dressed.

It's the timing of her other 'random' splat attacks I object to. I say 'random', but they never happen when we have plenty of time and clean clothes to hand.

And my suspicions that my daughter is waging warfare against me when it comes to her bowel movements are further aroused by the outfits she chooses to decimate.

Her nappies never leak toxic stains on a plain old hand-me-down babygrow while we're hanging out at home with nothing to do. Well, very rarely.

But should I go to the effort of dressing her up in a matching ensemble, perhaps that she is wearing for the first time, that's when the s***splosion is sure to hit.

More likely the outfit is a gift from someone we are going to meet. She is looking smart, especially for the occasion, and about two minutes before we are about to leave the house the sirens sound. She is soiled and sodden and must be stripped down and quickly changed into the nearest dowdy old all-in-one I can find.

I have finally learned there is no point saving clothes 'for best', as not only will she grow out of them but they are always the ones she saves her 'best' efforts for as well.

And she always looks so pleased with herself.

Was it really too much to plan for her to wear a little woollen dress with bunnies on and matching tights at Easter? An hour after getting her dressed the answer was yes. Even the baby bouncer took a hit.

And it's no good being on the alert. It might sound like I'm kidding myself, but this stuff don't stink.

I know it will all change once she's on solids, but at the moment it's not easy to distinguish between the smell of her wet nappies and something much worse.

Her wind on the other hand is a noxious gas.

So when I do get her all dolled up with somewhere to go and am suddenly hit by a waft of what smells like old cheese and cabbages, I quickly whip open her nappy, only to find it empty.

Then I drop my guard and boom!

I must have tempted fate. I have just broken off from writing to check her nappy and found a tsunami of oomska gushing up and out of the front and all over her tummy!

She just giggled and sucked her toes smugly while I tried to ease her vest over her head without smearing the muck across her face.

And another good outfit hits the soak overnight bucket.
This Mum's Life


  1. Having a daughter myself, I wasn't aware just how yucky little girls can be...lesson learned! They are pretty gross and pretty happy about it! #bigpinklink

  2. I just plain chucked a sleepsuit today, it might have been washable but quite frankly I just wanted it gone. What on earth did they do in days before pampers? Shudder! #bigpinklink

  3. I remember chucking quite a few clothes that I felt were just too beyond salvaging to ever put them on again without having flashbacks to The Incident! I feel things have improved since solids were introduced! #bigpinklink

  4. This is so true, why do they always wait until they are their best clothes or you are out, we have had many moments where I have had to change our little one into the "onesie of shame!". But once they start solids, explosions are less so. Claire x #bigpinklink

  5. Haha fab post! I remember once I took my little girl to a new baby group, halfway there I could smell something very much like a poonami. After we parked my suspicions were confirmed - it went everywhere, all over the lovely outfit I had put her in. So then I'm frantically ransacking the changing bag for a new change of clothes but obviously had forgotten to bag anything! *head in hand* Things have improved since she started eating solids but you still get the odd incident to remind you not to let your guard down ;) Great post! #bigpinklink

  6. Have you not seen the viral photo??? Vests have the envelope neckline specifically so you can get them down after a poonami! Save the prospect of poo face! I wish I'd seen it before I had my two!
    I remember this so well. My daughter was an expert at these and their timings were always legendary. Best was as a few weeks old, first big outing, she completely annihilated her outfit and the outfit I'd lovingly packed in the baby bag before she was born...was a newborn, she was a 0-3 born, plus there was a queue, she wanted feeding after evacuating her bowels so efficiently and I was too flustered after titting about with bits of cotton wool and water so I ended up carrying a screaming baby who was dressed in a flapping, open babygro that wouldn't fit her legs in through a packed shop to get to the car. Oh yeah, did I mention it was november?! Not my finest moment!! Thanks for linking up with us! #bigpinklink

    1. Now I feel a fool for not removing the vest downwards. Lesson learned. Thank you! #bigpinklink