Thursday, 18 August 2016

Olympics 2016: Alternative Medals For Parents

I must confess, I tire of Olympics coverage pretty quickly.

Okay, so Laura Trott can cycle really fast, Simone Biles can smile and do backflips at the same time and Usain Bolt is apparently, 'immortal'.

But these sports men and women have been training for years. They devote their lives to crossing that finishing line first, clinching that medal and title for themselves and basking in the glory.

I'm by no means saying what they do is easy, but I object to them being called heroes.

True heroes, in my eyes, devote their lives to improving other people's. They are doctors and nurses, firefighters, teachers and humanitarian aid workers. Where are their medals?

Anyway, before I get stuck on my high horse, let me climb back down to my usual base level.

If pushing yourself to your physical and mental limit, devoting every moment of your time to achieving your goal and trying to be the best in the world at something deserves a medal, then there needs to be a Parenting Olympics.

Here are some categories I am ready to compete in. But never mind a medal, I'll be happy with just being recognised for taking part.

Baby weightlifting
My back is done in and my biceps more bulging than a very wet nappy. Carrying a small child takes its toll, and lowering a sleeping one into bed is an art form.

Long distance buggy pushing
Pounding up and down hill, navigating busy pavements and bumpy paths and weaving around supermarket aisles - an elite buggy pusher must train hard to be in peak physical fitness and hone their control and steering skills to be the best on the track.

Nappy changing gymnastics
It may be the baby who does all the backflips and lunges during this sport, but chasing after a child with a dirty nappy hanging half off or trying to finish fastening a fresh one onto a disappearing charge require some pretty deft moves yourself.

Household chore rugby
Whether it's trying to tidy up the sitting room with a wriggling tot on your hip or attempting to fix your own lunch with a suckling baby balanced on your breast, you need the agility of a rugby fly half and the strength of an entire scrum.

Toy hurdling
The supermarket delivery man is knocking and you have to answer before he stuffs his, 'Sorry we missed you', slip through the letterbox and races off to his next slot. But there are a pile of building blocks, numerous That's Not My... books, a stuffed lion and a baby walker between you and the front door. Can you vault them all and make it the finish line without a fall?

Baby dressage
Some may question whether this is actually a sport, but grooming your baby, dressing them up and then demonstrating their dexterity and obedience in front of a critical audience - we are all going for gold every day.
Run Jump Scrap!
The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback


  1. Hahah this is so true!! Where are our medals?! Maneuvring a buggy without hitting into anything or anyone definitely requires skill and agility, too! #StayClassyMama

  2. Hahahaha...too funny! I think I may have participated and failed miserably in all. I particularly hated training for nappy changing gymnastics. I am never fast enough! Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink

  3. Ha - I wrote a very similar piece for the babycentre website. I could win quite a few of them! #chucklemums

  4. Ha ha, the baby dressage one is my favourite! :)
    Thanks for joining #chucklemums

  5. Haha, I'm not a fan of the olympics, but I do admire the lengths the athletes go to to prepare for them. Your baby olympics sound fun! #bestandworst

  6. I love this post!! I'm a nurse....where is my medal?? Ha. I do love the Olympics but they are not heroes as you say! I do love your take on baby Olympics though, it is a sport in itself! Thanks so much for linking up to the #bestandworst I hope you will stop by again.

  7. Household chore rugby! That's what I'm up to this bank holiday for sure - there is also a bit of gymnastics involved it to - trying not to break your neck slipping on toy cars! #stayclassymama

  8. Love this!! We all deserve a bloody platinum medal I think and a crisp glass of wine. It's worth the effort or 'training' to be an Olympic mum #bestandworst