Thursday, 17 November 2016

Baby Top Trumps

All parents are competitive when it comes to their children. Even those that would like to think of themselves as laid back - deep down they know their child is best and they're just smiling smugly about it on the inside.

Hanging out with other parents, talk naturally tends to revolve around your children. As much as this is about bonding and making relatable conversation, there is often a friendly undertone of one-upmanship. From how early your child learned to sit up/crawl/walk/recite Shakespeare, to their incredibly varied diet and excellent nap regime.

Even bad behaviour gets competitive.

Have a moan about how your child just won't stop trying to climb the furniture, and it is inevitable that you friend's offspring recently scaled a bookcase all the way to the ceiling. If I had a penny for every time I heard the phrase, "Oh, she/he does that too", I would be able to afford to dress my daughter in Bon Point.

So why don't we stop suppressing our inner competitive parent and make things interesting?

Everyone remembers Top Trumps - the data rating card game that is so simple and so versatile.

I'm proposing we play Top Trumps with our children in order to find some fun amongst all the hard work and effort that goes into parenting. And, at the same time, take back the name that has now become synonymous with the brink of disaster, and remember trump can also mean something good. (Or flatulence).

So here is my Baby Top Trump card. What's your winning category?

How much of a hard time did the little critter give you on their grand entrance to the world?
I won't go into gory details but I'm scoring a high average for this one, I reckon.

::Sleep Deprivation
We all know parenting street cred is about how little sleep you have, not how much.
My daughter lets me down on this front, although she is terrible at napping, allowing me almost no time to myself, so I scraped back some points.

Here comes the science bit. The average age a child walks is between nine and 12 months. Start at 60 and add 10 for every month before nine months that your child learned to walk, or minus 10 for every month after 12. (For crawlers the average is seven to 10 months and sitters it's four to seven months.)

::Eating Habits
Does your baby just love to eat everything you do, or are you having to prepare separate plates of mush for every meal only to scrape it all off the walls afterwards?
Touch wood, I have a human dustbin on my hands right now, so I'm scoring big for this one.

Because you need some good, "Such A Little Terror" anecdotes for your repertoire and perfectly behaved children are just boring.
Mine can be pretty naughty, throws terrible tantrums and just loves defying the word no.

The only people who are going to score 100 in this category are those with a child whose nappy has never leaked, who has never covered themselves in food stains and dirt and never had a runny nose in public.
If you have this child - can we do swapsies?

Now I'm obviously not suggesting we directly compare our children's looks or loveability. We'd all have a Top Trump on our hands then, wouldn't we?
This category is for rating how good your child is in public, how well they perform their latest tricks in front of an audience and how nicely they play with other children.

The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback


  1. I do love a good game of top trumps and your categories here really made me chuckle!! I feel that possibly an in-laws category would serve well too!! #stayclassymama ��

    1. Oooh, yes! Or Outlaws as I like to call them. Good one. I have missed a trick there...

  2. Ha ha yes a day out with mum friends is a total top trump fest! You should take this product to market, I think mums would see the hilarity in it! #bigpinklink

  3. Oh very clever!! I used to love top trumps when I was little!! And you're right-we definitely need to claw back some fun meaning into the word Trump... I've really tried not to engage in baby too trumps, but of course, there's times where you find yourself doing it out of defence, or because the person who started it is annoying the crap out of you, and you want something to throw in their face!! Ok, so birth 1: 90/100, birth 2: 20/100. Sleep deprivation: both 20/100 (sorry.) Mobility, child 1: 20/100, child 2: 60/100. Eating habits, both 20/100. Misbehaviour, child 1: 40/100, child 2: 100/100. Cleanliness, child 1: 20/100, child 2: 70/100. Cuteness: child 1: 20/100, child 2: 90/100. And based on those scores, I absolutely don't have a favourite!!!!!

    1. Thanks for playing. You've got a winning fairy on your hands there! I thought this post would be fun, but I have been surprised by the stony silence from a lot of people.... maybe they think I AM one of thos and annoying competitive parents! Yikes! #bigpinklink

  4. This is a fab idea! I would definitely lose in the cleanliness category as my son is always sticky and muddy! #stayclassymama

  5. This is brilliant! What about birth weight too, which is totally irrelevant but everyone seems to want to know? What's the winning criteria anyway, a teeny little scrap of a thing or a massive monster? Love it. You should totally market this. Thanks for linking to #chucklemums! xx